Looking back on Seven Soldiers (Part One)

I just finished reading Seven Soldiers again, and decided to write a long review.
Short version: Parts of it are quite good, but as a whole it's ridiculously overrated.

In case you didn't know, Seven Soldiers is a project written by Grant Morrison that consists out of seven mini-series and two oversized issues to start and conclude the whole event, about seven heroes that fight an invasion of evil fairy monsters without actually meeting each other.

More info can be found here or here.


Seven Soldiers #0

Main character is a young woman called Shelly Gaynor who got famous writing a book about her career as a superheroine. For her superhero work is not so much about about helping people, it's about the thrill and the excitement. To experience new kinds of kicks she decides to join a team. Since she's not to choosy she lands in the makeshift group put together by aging western hero Greg Saunders with the aim to fight some mysterious giant spiders.
Shelly quickly discovers that most other members are wannabes rather than heroes. One is an obsessed fanboy who managed to aquire superpowers, another an arrogant diva-type who only cares for her image and media presence. No surprise that when the mission turns out to be a lot more dangerous than expected it looks as if the team can't deal with it. It's really impressive how Morrison shows them close to panic, experiencing something similar as a young soldier who discovers that actual war is rather different from his heroic dreams.
But in a glorious scene that makes you want to cheer they manage to pull themselves together and keep the upper hand. For a few minutes, that is - because they walk right into a trap. Game over. All are killed, except for the traitor called I-Spyder. The world will need to find other heroes if it wants to be saved...

Morrison discards the cliches of the genre for a more serious look at what it must be like to be a superhero. The characters have selfish motives for playing hero, like the wish to be a media star. And being brave in the face of danger is not as easy as in your granddad's old comics.
Similar deconstuction has been done many times of course since Watchmen. But Morrison manages to find some fresh aspects. Seven Soldiers #0 is a nice read and a promising start to the event.



Shining Knight

We didn't learn much about the nature of the big threat besides that it involves giant spiders. The first mini, Shining Knight, tells us more. In fact that is pretty much all it does. Taken as it's own story it is a huge disappointment.

Sir Justin is from the past and was one of the Knights of King Arthur. And now he is the last one, since the others were all defeated and killed by the evil Sheeda.
The knights were very noble and the Sheeda very evil. Got that? No?
Doesn't matter, it will be repeated over and over again during the four issues.

In the first issue we learn next to nothing about Justin except that he is a pure-hearted knight. But he has a flying talking horse. That's pretty cool. Should make an entertaining sidekick you think? Too bad, because Justin and his horse will be separated at the beginning of issue #2 and not meet each other again till Seven Soldiers #1.

So Justin is catapulted through time and lands in today's LA. He is confused by his new enviroment but at least manages to escape the cops. So what does he do?
An ancient knight in a modern city should make for huge story possibilities. Either comedy with humorous misunderstandings, or paranoia, or any form of culture shock. What Morrison does is having Justin wonder a bit about what strange sights helicopters and streets full of cars are, and that's all, pretty much. (To be fair, a lot about culture shock we get in Klarion#3 instead.)
He spends the majority of issue #2 wandering around the streets chased by some guilt monster that tries to talk him into feeling guilty. Huge possibility for character development, don't you think? We could learn about Justin's hopes and fears, his childhood memories, his trouble with his parents, the time he injured a friend while playing with wooden swords, the embarassing moments when he tried to smalltalk with his first crush, and how the other guys used to laugh at him when he started his time as a squire. We could. But not here. As far as Morrison is concerned, Justin has no past. He is just a noble knight, nothing else. Period.
All he feels guilty about is that he didn't manage to stop the bad guys from killing all of Arthur's knights. Sure, that's tough. But a bit abstract for defining a character. We would like to learn something human about Justin, something personal we can relate to. Or is that only me?
And shouldn't he meet somebody from our time now? Some character interaction perhaps? Well, he saves a homeless guy from some mean street gang bullies. Probably supposed to be a big character moment: Look, he doesn't quit, he doesn't hand in his sword despite all the guilt and mourning, he still fights the good fight. He still is a noble knight. We get it.

But wait, that's no ordinary homeless guy. He seems to know something about Justin and his destiny. Would be interesting to learn more about this person, right? Guess so, but not here. After a few cryptic words the person disappears (probably into the Zatanna mini if I understand the connection correctly).

Issue #3 sees Justin in prison. Apparently he decided to give himself up off-screen and warn the authorities about the invasion to come. Okay. So let's see what the authorities do. Two persons deal with the matter: A female FBI agent who is afraid to miss her sisters wedding tomorrow, and a female expert for ancient artifacts. They examine Justin's sword, Excalibur, and spent almost the whole issue talking exposition again. The knights were noble, the Sheeda are evil, in case you forgot.
Then comes the big surprise: The historian lady is actually the evil queen in disguise! Somehow, we don't know how, she has traced Justin. And now she takes him prisoner and confiscates his sword.
Oh, but before that she actually makes one interesting remark to Justin: That the police don't believe his story because in this age words have no proper shape and truth is untrustworthy. Not a particularily deep insight, but about the only interesting thought in the whole issue.
Which ends with another bang: Another knight has survived! Once-pure Galahad has been captured and corrupted by the Sheeda, and Justin has to fight him for their amusement!
That happens in issue #3. Not a very subtle idea to have the hero fight to the death against his brainwashed former master and idol. But at least we finally get some character development: We learn that it is a traumatic experience to have to fight to the death against a brainwashed former master and idol. It surely is, isn't it? We don't know what Justin exactly feels, but he looks indeed emotionally affected. So far, so good.

Then comes the really big shocker: Justin menstruates. He - gasp - is a girl! He was actually a girl all the time!
According to Ragnell that scene is an incedibly impressive metaphor for the traumas of female puberty. Hmmm. Seems easier than I thought to write incredibly impressive metaphors. Hey, I think I can do it, too!

PANEL 1
Teacher: Hey class, this new boy will be your new classmate!
New classmate: Hey all, I'm the new boy who will be your new classmate.
PANEL 2
Class: What's that? He bleeds! He is really a girl!
New classmate (cries): Yes, it's true! I'm no boy, I'm really a girl!

There you have it, I also wrote an incredibly impressive metaphor for female puberty. Please contact me by private message about the nobel prize.

So just as Galahad is about to kill Miss Justin, the Sheeda queen gets some important news out of another mini and has to leave. Everybody else leaves, too. Only Galahad remains and tries to continue the killing thing, but with some trick - it's not exactly clear how, at least to me - former defenseless Justin manages to grasp two swords and kills Galahad. Fight over.
Since conveniently all the guards have disappeared, Justin can leave unhindered.
Anybody else feels like we took the wrong turn into a Flash Gordon episode from the 30s? Probably Justin will knock out a guard and dress up in his uniform next!

Then comes a flashback to the day Camelot fell. We learn that Justin actually was no knight, he was just a schoolboy - well, SHE pretended to be a schoolboy - and she just convinced Galahad to knight her/ him before the battle because they would probably all die anyway.
Those three pages are the best of the whole mini. In fact, they are practically the only useful pages of the whole mini. Everything else could have been summarised in a two-page origin. That would have been BETTER.
Justin's past is very interesting. As is her future. Only her present is boring. What was it like pretending to be a boy all the time? Why did she do it? What made her dream of becoming a knight? And were the noble knights of Camelot actually sexist oppressors of women?
Morrison doesn't bother to tell us.
What we got instead:
Character development: Close to zero.
Random, generic swordfights: Check.
Adventure and excitement: Close to zero.
Deeper meaning: Don't make me laugh.

But what about the villains? What do we learn about them?
Are decadent - check.
Are sadistic - check.
Like orgies and sexual perversion - check.
Like to torture captured enemies - check.
Like to tease captured enemies with megalomanical monologues - check.
Twirl mustaches - damn, I knew something was missing!